Once upon a time, there was a happy little girl. With a child’s spark in her eyes and innocence in her smile, she was a free spirit that loved her life, living in her own naïve bubble…
But, that was a mere ‘once upon a time’.
I trudged up to my room after a mentally battling day at school, ready to hit the sack and rest my bones. Chores and homework said otherwise though. Not to mention it was only three in the afternoon. I sighed before audibly groaning in exasperation. Usually, I would not be quite so expressive of my annoyance, but this specific day had led some wandering gossip to my ears that I could have very well done without. I simply wanted to lay myself to rest and put the day behind me.
Tossing my bag onto the neatly-made bed, I dropped myself beside it, resting my head atop the bedding and let my mind meander through the day’s events. Yesterday’s friend can turn to be today’s enemy. Why do I never listen to those quotes from Google until I learn them the hard way? It’s not like I hadn’t been backstabbed and hated on before- in fact, that seemed to be the default behaviour people had towards me- but when such hurt is a result of a trusted friend, the scar goes deep. More than the pain, it was anger towards myself that coursed through my veins. I gripped my head tight, letting out a low growl.
While fuelling my flames in silence, a quiet sob unexpectedly escaped my quivering lips. The abrupt action broke down the dam I’d built around my emotions, giving way to a wave of sadness that crashed down, overpowering all traces of rage. The tears began to pour.
Why? Why was I so disliked? What was there so much to hate about me? What did I do wrong? What is it that I did that was so wrong?
Is it just me?
A torrent of overwhelming self-hatred rained down. It had to be just me right? All I’d ever been was a worthless, useless, ugly, stupid girl. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Any good people saw in me was an illusion; I was never anything special. My throat tightened and my breathing came out laboured. It hurt. My heart clenched and it hurt. It hurt so much. Why was I this way?
I wanted to let it all go, rest. Give myself a break. But that was a luxury I could never afford to let myself have. I did not even have a figure to confide in or turn to for the comfort I so terribly longed for. With no caring hand present to wipe them away, the tears rolled down endlessly. Pain and loneliness were dominating the destructive hurricane of overwhelming emotions inside my soul. Trembling hands pulled my knees to my chest in a tight embrace. It was pathetic, but I craved the feeling of a presence, even if it was that of my own sorry self. I felt so weak. I hugged my frame tighter, if it were possible, holding my broken self together. My fragile arms seemed to be the only thing preventing me from completely falling apart, as muffled cries grew quieter.
Perhaps it was the desperation with which I held myself, but a sudden light emerged from the darkness of my mind. I was not alone, never; I had me. No matter what, I was a world of my own, wasn’t I? I had my own story, my own path and life. I had my arms by my side, my fingers to count on and my legs to support me. It was a silly thought but it reignited a soft spark in my eyes. I wondered if I were someone else, could I ever love the person that I made myself to be? Years of self-loathing flashed before me, answering the unspoken query. I would have to find the Me I would love and be proud of. My true self that I’d never let known, who I was made to be. I’d seen myself at my worst and now I was ready to see my best. Realisation hit; my closest friend, who’d been with me through my highs and lows, was myself. And she’d stick with me till the end, so I’d better treat her well, right? After years of neglect, a long-lost genuine smile graced my tear-stained face.
Life happens. That moment at rock bottom, which I had thought to be weakness, was the strongest I’d ever felt. Who said change only came from long hard adventures? My life-changing moment came from that single instance in my room. I had seen my lows, and that would be the strength I’d use to face the world. Regardless of my age, experiences alone had put a weight like that of the world on my shoulders. To most people, having no one by your side except yourself would be quite a depressing thought. However, if you’ve ever felt that level of vulnerability, I’m here to tell you that you can turn it to be the most powerful moment of your life.
“If you were born with the weakness to fall, you were born with the strength to rise”Rupi Kaur